Life Lately

It’s been almost 5 years since my father passed away. 5 years of us learning to navigate everyday life without him. And, 6 years of me staying at home trying to make the ends meet.

Over the course of time. I realized 25 yr old me viewed my father’s life from only 1 dimension. Which is what is he doing for a living. Which is also how the 15 yr old me looked at. A corporate job, designation, brand name and so on and so forth. That was the success metric in my head. What led to it, I don’t know. Another view was also that he takes care of all of us. But, at that age former took precedence.

The dimension which was almost invisible to me was what was between my parents as a couple. There were rough times, I have lived through constant fights to an extent that I wanted to escape. All of that has made a fair impact on my mind and life alike.

All of that being said. An individual is also an emotional support to their spouse, son and so on. Some unsaid responsibilities came on me. It started from earning the bread to fend for the family. And, then on and on and on. Things you didn’t anticipate that happen or are expected. And, it isn’t really about money.

There are still days when I see him in dream, only to wake up the next morning and realize. Reality is different and I need to brush it off and grind. 31 yr old me is also seeing a life where my batchmates are finding the love of their life and getting married, people younger than me are getting married, some are travelling the world, some are excelling in climbing that corporate ladder, some have become parents. To each their own. And, here I am. On one hand a single parent to take care of, pressure of getting married, wanting to be as ambitious as the 17 yr old me. 17 yr old me would not have thought life will take this turn. Ambition eventually is dying a slow death.

Loss is a loss. It creates a void. Even if you haven’t experienced it. You cannot be put in the shoe of the person you have lost. This needs to be understood by everyone associated with the person, the family. It isn’t a job. Where you are taught Bus hit factor. Tomorrow you can be hit by a bus. And, the other person must know what you are doing. So, that you can be replaced.

Of course, no denying the fact that life feels beautiful with a partner. And, marriage is for emotional support or whatever. Each has their own understanding of what it is and what it is not. Point being, your children cannot do whatever your partner was doing for you. We need to be strong enough to just be. As, my brother says “You don’t understand love”. Sure, maybe I don’t. But, I do understand. You are on your own. For all kinds of support.

Hyper independence doesn’t happen all of a sudden on its own. It is a series of experiences.

When a shoe size 6 person is put in shoe size 8. The difference will always be there. Even if you do your best whatever you can. In trying to support the family that brought me into this world. Now old enough that everyone wants me to go into another. I have lost myself.

The 15 yr old me also admired people seeing their titles, designations and what not. This has also been a learning experience: professional excellence is possible when there is sanity on the personal front. Don’t admire seeing one side of someone’s life.

Needless to say, it has been tough.

If this looks like victim mentality. Or written for sympathy. Not really. We avoid talking about loss, and life after loss. It is written because I didn’t know I’d end up here. And, if anyone finds themselves in this place. I hope you course correct sooner.

To people who think what are their parents even doing, parents are doing what is invisible to your eye. They are supporting each other and handling their matters. You are protected by an invisible shield. All things will otherwise come on you.

Is this what a woman’s life looks like?